i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
