420 ftw
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
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