I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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