either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
