New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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