it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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