I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
