she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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