just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
