When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
