At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I have already put on my inside pants.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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