Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
