I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
we're making bets on your personal life
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
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