The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
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