From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It's shark week go big or go home
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
