its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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