How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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