I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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