Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
