What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
