She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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