My liver just broke up with me...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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