It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
