just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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