i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
