Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
