jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
