We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
