I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
