I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
