I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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