This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
