if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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