i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
