the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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