You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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