so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
