she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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