just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
