I will die if light touches me.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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