there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
