I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
