I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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