so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
