at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
