I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
