I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
