i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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