i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
