my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
