All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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