if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
