i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
