i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize